This blog houses all posts I write regarding my personal life. I want to share with you in hopes that my life lessons and experiences will help someone in need. If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask. At this blog, we're in this together.
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It’s really sad how I still find myself going on old friends’ Facebook profiles just to check in on their lives as if they are still relevant in mine. Why do I continue to emotionally cut?
I’m just glad I don’t get as bitter as I once did. I used to log on and be like, “Why are you smiling? Why does your life seem so amazing? Oh my God, you’re in a relationship and I’m single? You still look super cute. Why aren’t you miserable and alone like I want you to be?” Gladly, I’m beginning to come out of that feeling. I can go on their profiles and be happy for them and smile. But, I still compare myself to them.
I’ve always been very competitive in life. I need to win at everything. I literally make up a competition in my head, and I always have to be the best. It’s not even about being the center of attention or being insecure about myself, I just like “winning.” I look on their pages and find them doing amazing things with their lives and being in great relationships. I’m just realizing that I’m being disrespectful to God, again, because I have so much to be grateful for.
I may look at them and feel like I’m doing nothing, but I have 3 amazing blogs I’m trying to get off the ground, I work at a television network that many people love, I have some awesome friends, and I’m doing well in school. Maybe I need to tattoo my accomplishments on myself so I can be reminded of them.
I need to get out of my feelings soon. This is so stupid.
This week of “Five Years Before Marriage” will have a sub-theme of “Evolution.” For anyone that knows me, you know I’m constantly evolving and trying to change for the better.
I can honestly remember going through 3 significant changes in my life. The first one would be during the summer of 2007, the second would be the fall of 2009, and the third would be fall of 2011. These changes were the most significant because they caused me to really take a look at my life and reevaluate myself.
I’m at a place right now where I’m constantly stressed and overwhelmed. And I have no one to blame but me. I look at my accomplishments and know that I could do better, but how? I know I expect too much of myself, and that’s where the constant worrying stems from.
In these next few posts, I’ll speak a little more about my evolution. I think this may get a little deep.
In my last post, I mentioned how I wanted to be married by the age of 27, which is the theme of this month’s #ATF30: “Five Years Before Marriage.” In this post, I wanted to explain why 27 was such a significant year for me.
In “It Always Rains…” I explained how I had about 2 or 3 years left of school. But, the decision to be married by 27 actually was created before I knew this was going to happen. For some reason, I knew that by 27 I would be financially secure in a lucrative career and even in a stellar relationship. I’ve always had a talent for dreaming big and having grand hopes for myself, but that’s not a bad thing. Dreaming big has gotten me as far as I am now, so why stop?
Deep down, I know that I’ll be in the best place of life at that age. Twenty-seven is also when my mother had me. Yes, she waited a long time to have her first child, and that’s something that I think helped me become who I am. Without having that distance in age from my mother, I don’t know how I would have turned out. I feel like a parent should be old enough to parent, not just physically capable to conceive a child.
Also, the sum of the two numbers happens to be 9. If you know me, you know that I’m into astrology, and I’m just becoming familiar with numerology. I’m not sure what 9 specifically means, but I know it’s a multiple of my favorite/lucky number 3. Nine also happens to be 3-squared. That’s three 3’s! I don’t know about you, but that’s a sign like no other. My birth date (30th) has a sum of 3, and my entire birthday (11.30.1990) has a sum of 6. That’s a lot of 3’s.
That’s why 27 has such significance. But is it realistic? In this day and age and in my current situation with relationships, can I count on my dream of being married by 27? I don’t know anymore, particularly since it’s only 5 years away. But so much can happen in 5 years.
I’m sorry for not blogging yesterday. I know I said I would blog everyday and I’m already failing. But these beginning blog posts are only a set up for what’s to come. Be sure to check out tomorrow’s post which will explain the first sub-theme for the week. Stay sweet.
Fierce & Love.
It’s that time of year again!
For all those new readers (Fiercies) I began something last year called AT Fierce Appreciation Month to celebrate my birthday. It happens to be inspired by @BrookAndTheCity on twitter who holds Brook Appreciation Month in February. I told her that sounded like a wonderful idea and that I’d be stealing it for my own purposes.
My birthday falls on the 30th day of November, so AT Fierce Appreciation Month will in fact last the entire month. This year, I’ll be turning 22. That’s not really a milestone age, but you’ll understand it’s significance soon. I can’t believe how old I’m getting. Every year my birthday comes I always state how I remember just being 16. Man. Time flies.
This month, I want to do things a little differently. Along with the hastag #ATFierceAppreciationMonth that you’ll see on Twitter, you’ll also see #ATF30. That hashtag is inspired by @TheXDExperience who created #XD30 were he wanted people to blog everyday of the month of September (if I’m not mistaken.) I don’t expect anyone else to blog along with me, but I will be blogging everyday of this month giving you a little piece of my personal life before my birthday comes.
The theme for AT Fierce Appreciation Month 2012 will be “Five Years Before Marriage.” Now, I know many of you are probably confused as to what that means, so let me explain. A few years ago, I created a life plan that was not only career based but based on my personal life as well. I’ve always wanted to get married, but I wanted to make sure that I had a secure foundation before I got into a serious commitment. I told myself I will more than likely be financially secure by the age of 27, so that would be a good marrying age. This year, I realized I have 5 years before I turn 27, and even though that milestone is not the definitive time marriage has to happen, it just makes me realize what little time I have left to do so much.
For the next 30 days, my blog posts will be focused on this theme. Each week will also have a separate sub-theme along with a video on my YouTube channel. I’m doing this to help me get into the swing of personal blogging along with making videos about all topics and not just natural hair.
I hope everyone is prepared for this personal journey I plan on taking. I really want to find myself while being as candid as possible. I’m really excited.
If you want to take part, don’t be afraid to click “Ask” to ask me some questions about certain posts along with submitting some similar stories of your own. I want all of us to interact with one another. I really appreciate the attention that you’ve been giving my brand. There’s so many more adjustments that I have to make, so be ready for the ride.
Stay sweet everyone.
Fierce & Love.
Asked by Anonymous Anonymous
He definitely is.
Disclaimer: I’m going to try and be as honest as I possibly can to get to the root of my emotions. I just don’t know why I do the things I do.
For a few weeks now, I’ve been having a lot of issues involving matters of the heart. I don’t like emotions. Feelings were never something I was good with, so I’ve always ignored them by running and rejecting them. But recently, emotions have been hitting me from left and right, and no matter how fast I run, they catch up to me.
I told you guys about this boy I began liking up here. I promise I won’t be vague for the sake of vulnerability. My fear of appearing weak is usually what keeps me from my truth. But, this boy was different from the rest in the way that I felt toward him. I don’t usually like boys easily. I mean I’ve had several crushes that I can either manage or get over, but since I was unable to do that with him, I knew it was different.
I like him. I really do. And that’s what scares me most. Liking someone, to me, means giving them a special part of you that you don’t usually give to others. I have abandonment issues and issues with people taking advantage of me in my past, so liking someone definitely is a reminder of that.
I confessed my attraction to him after six weeks of knowing him. But I didn’t tell him in hopes of him wanting to be with me. I did it to be honest and preface my run from him. I told him I couldn’t be his friend anymore. It hurt me to be in his presence and have him not notice my existence. It hurt that his eyes didn’t look at me with the same intensity mine looked at him. It hurt to bond with him and form a friendship knowing that it would never pass that stage. It hurt to hear him talk about the many boys he liked and wanted to date when I wanted him to feel that way about me. It hurt to hug him for the passing seconds that felt like hours and inhale his scent and feel his warmth, yet having his touch never mean anything more between us. This constant stress and mind games my emotions began to play on me was something I couldn’t endure any longer. I gave up on him. He told me that he did like me at one point, but thought I wasn’t his type. He didn’t fight there after. He just let me go. And he is probably the closest friend I currently have at school. And I’m tired of feeling alone.
I met this one online. I’ll be vague about him because our past is rather complicated and contentious. Discussing too much will bring you into my business and I’d rather this be somewhat private. Anyway, he’s definitely someone I could form a great relationship with. The things we talk about are beyond any conversation I’ve had with a boy. And the feeling is mutual. I like him and he likes me. It’s that simple. But the distance between us is not. And even if he were close, I always think, “Is he right for me?”
You wouldn’t believe the list I have when it comes to the perfect guy. It’s ridiculous. I’m too stubborn about it - among other things - and having him not fit certain marks makes me weary. Yet talking to him makes all these feelings rise inside me. I feel like I can’t think straight because he’s constantly on my mind. I thought about him so much last night that it was hard to breathe. I couldn’t sleep. This is why I hate my emotions. There’s never a gray area with them: it’s either an extreme high or a low.
I want to run from him too, because I know it won’t end the way I want it. So why bother?
He’s actually my “ex.” I use quotation marks to imply that we were together without being official. He visited NYC yesterday. I haven’t seen him in maybe a year, but that was just in passing. I really haven’t spent much time with him since 2008. Yes, four years ago. Four years ago, I was an entirely different person. As he likes to mention, I was a freak and fast. That’s why I became “chaste.” But it was good then and got difficult in the middle, and once again, I ran.
I didn’t like a lot of things that were going on - things I’ll be vague about for our privacy. But his visit yesterday was good. I still and always will find him attractive. He actually was the FIRST boy I ever REALLY liked. He could’ve been so perfect if he would’ve done things differently. Better yet, if he would’ve done things the way I wanted. Yeah, I’m self-absorbed, but I told you I have an exact image of what I want, and he didn’t fulfill those marks. And he knows it.
Tonight, I saw him again before he left. We hugged and said our goodbyes. Then I receive a text that says, “I wanted to kiss you soooo bad but ….. Ugh… I really like u!!!… I hate that I’ve messed up in the past.” This along with being in the presence of Boy #1 sent me into my feelings. I don’t know what to do.
Two out of the three told me they want to marry me. Boy #3 has been saying that since I was 17, though. I’m sure they’re joking - hopefully. But even if they are, the simple fact someone feels that connected to me scares me. Why am I so special? What am I doing for you that makes you feel that way?
I used to be so rude to Boy #3 because I wanted him to leave me alone. If running doesn’t help, I usually become more abrasive and challenging, but he liked that. I know the issue is me. I’m keeping myself from finding a boy to spend my time with and share my feelings, but I just don’t want that. It’s odd. I tell myself every night that I would love to fall in love and be with someone sharing every bit of me, but in reality, when I come across someone who may be somewhat interested in invested that time and energy, I run. I’m too complex even for myself.
What do I do now?
For a few months now I have come across much discord within my life. Discord that was fueled by past experiences and emotions that created tension within the many relationships I have. I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness is needed, for myself and others. But, the art of forgiveness is a difficult talent to master.
In these next few blog posts I’ll be doing a series on the art of forgiveness. I’ll break down forgiveness into specific categories that need to be executed in an exact order before forgiveness can be reached.
I hope this blog post will then help me learn a little more about forgiveness so those that deserve it - along with myself - can receive it properly.
This post was partially inspired by a video on bullying by YouTuber Qaadir. I was finding it a little difficult to organize my thoughts into what I actually wanted to write about, since there was so much.
I just had a discussion on Twitter about how my stats have changed on my blog since the end of spring. I was doing some very big things then: being linked to other very popular blogs, interviewing celebrities from independent films, and networking with larger brands to acquire experience. Within the last 30 days, my blog stats have dropped approximately by 9,000 visits compared to May. But that fact isn’t going to make me stop.
I’ve been thinking about this whole branding thing and how difficult it actually is. Some people don’t truly understand it unless they are experiencing it themselves. I know that I’m not going to be the next Miss Jia or Kid Fury or Francheska over night, especially since I only rebranded less than a year ago. I don’t know why I haven’t allowed myself time to reach the level of success that I dream of.
I think the fact that the passing days influence my impatience. It just seems as though I’m holding onto time in the palms of my hands and it’s spilling out like sand. I can’t manage to grab at enough hours in the day to do everything I see fit, and that frustrates me. I wake up almost every morning, Monday through Friday, at 8 only to return home within the 5 o’clock hour.
But the fact is, I know there’s more I can do - maybe I shouldn’t be saying that because that can be added stress, but it is true. I know if I slept at a decent time, stayed asleep for no more than 8 hours, and scheduled all my work within my free time and completed it then, I’d have time to do so much more. I’m working against myself, not time.
Last week, I had a moment of discord that really got me angry to the point I was shaking and my heart felt like it was drumming against the inside of my chest like a horse’s hooves on the ground. I tend to pick my battles - I really do. I think this may have been something I learned from my mother (along with her tendency to become bored easily), but I’ve always hated conflict and tried my best to ignore it. Ignore, avoid, and reject: my defense mechanisms.
But at some point, when is enough enough? Some times you can’t ignore a battle long enough because it gets to the point where it imprints itself on your mind and refuses to leave. I fought back. It felt good. But nothing was accomplished. And I hate leaving things unresolved. I think that makes me crazier than not having enough time in my day.
But I realized: by me holding onto this conflict instead of releasing it properly and in a constructive way, I’m causing my own discomfort. I honestly thought my antagonist was influencing me and disrupting my life, but in actuality, I was allowing him. I’ve always known and have constantly told myself and others that no one can make you feel any type of way without your permission.
This is a problem I’ve had since I graduated high school. When I lost all my friends, I avoided the heartache and pain and ignored my feelings. But that wasn’t healthy. Recently, around this summer, I decided that I need to forgive them. As Oprah says, “forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” That’s exactly what I have been doing this entire time: thinking about the past and wishing that I had done things differently. But, I’m in the process of letting that go. My past is written in stone; I can’t change it. But what I can change is my present and future, and I will work on that being a successful and prosperous time.
So, I forgive him. This should totally be something I should write in my journal to avoid controversy or having anyone in my business, so I will continue it there. I also forgive all those others that have wished harm against me and have done so directly and indirectly. I also forgive myself. I forgive myself for allowing pain and discomfort to disrupt my life. I forgive myself for holding onto the many grudges that I do forcing me to be bitter and miserable. All those that have caused me pain have moved on with their lives and possibly don’t ever think about me. And that makes it worse since I think about them three years later. A better letter to myself is necessary.
Yet again, I find myself on a journey to finding myself. I have gone through 3 self-evaluations since the summer of 2007. Since that time, I have lost the ability to not let things get to me, but I’m trying to obtain that talent back. Watching Kid Fury’s latest question video made me realize I am on a journey to finding that balance again: the balance between the positive and the negative. People like me and they don’t like me, but I can’t let either affect me. I am me and I need to be concerned with me.
I wonder if this means 2013 will be like 2007: my year of selfishness. I specifically remember writing a blog post on my MySpace (this was 2007) about how I wasn’t going to care about anyone else and focus on me. It was long, in red type, and rude as shit. I sit back thinking about it with a smirk on my face. I wish I still had it so you guys could see how semi-crazy I was back then. But anyway, junior year was good because of that fact.
Does finding myself automatically equate to only focusing on myself with disregard to others? I think that’s what got me in trouble back then though, even though I didn’t care. Just to be well-rounded, I’ll give myself permission to care for someone else but I won’t be affected by it. Wow. I think i said the same thing back then. I really don’t need to be crazy again.