This blog houses all posts I write regarding my personal life. I want to share with you in hopes that my life lessons and experiences will help someone in need. If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask. At this blog, we're in this together.
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I need to sit and write this before I go to bed no matter how tired I pretend to be or how much I just want to do nothing. This is me overcoming procrastination.
Since my birthday ended Saturday night, I’ve been thinking of possible ways to begin this. But since it’s personal and not academic or analytical, I think I’ll just ramble until I come to some conclusion.
I do want to start off by telling you birthdays, for me, have never really been that good. I get all this anxiety and depression every time my birthday comes around like I mentioned in my last post. A few days before my 23rd, I realized my birthday (with family) hasn’t been good since I turned 13. Now that I’m writing it, it’s shocking to realize it’s been ten years. Every subsequent birthday has been spent with friends from school. I think it largely has to do with the fact that I was becoming very detached from my family who I felt like a black sheep around. And even before then, I always felt like no one cared about me. No one listened so I was silent. No one cared so I didn’t confide in anyone. That’s when I began becoming numb to a lot.
I have been becoming extraordinarily close to two of cousins one of which lives down the street. This year has been difficult for us in regards to disagreements with other family members that have made them think differently about us. It’s cause some envy that I don’t like to acknowledge along with dissent and disconnect. But when around each other we do make it our mission to be more than cordial as if nothing went wrong.
Before I get off topic, let me bring this around to another issue of mine—people failed commitments/promises. I’ve always hated when someone would tell me they would do something for me and then wind up not doing it in the end. Or making plans for something and people falling through at the eleventh hour. It’s become such a pet peeve that I have vowed that I would never do that to anyone, so I keep all my commitments without worry. It also has made me have little faith in people when they tell me they’ll do something. When someone says they’ll be there for me or will attend something I’m organizing, my brain automatically believes they won’t. I’ve become so accustomed to be let down that it’s a natural thing for me.
So, when planning my birthday, I had already knew no one would show up. Birthdays have been so bad for me that a month ago I actually considered not even celebrating this year even though I was going to be home for the holidays and my birthday was on a Saturday. But conversations with my favorite cousin encouraged me to change my mind. Last week, I sent out Facebook invites and texts. I didn’t have a place down, but I knew I wanted to be in Philly at some restaurant at 7PM. As the days passed, I became increasingly anxious and nervous, because I knew my birthday curse would probably appear. I can remember people not showing up for my 17th or my 20th, which is the first birthday I didn’t celebrate. And my 21st, which was the beginning of Thanksgiving not being at my house or being something special, and my mom couldn’t even gather people to celebrate my new age.
Saturday finally came and I was exciting, but I knew deep down in my stomach no one would show. I believe it’s my paranoia but some part of me has always believed I was a little psychic—I get it from my mother. She knows EVERYTHING before I do, and it kills me. She’s one of the main reasons I hate my birthday. It would be her prerogative to say, “I don’t think anyone will show up.” Why? Why would you say something like that to discourage me? Why would you be so negative? Why would you put that out there into the universe to make it true? Why are you always right? Even though I deny the same feeling in the pit of my stomach and her words, I know she’s right. I told her about it a few years ago, explaining it made me really upset. So this year around, instead of saying that she asked question that danced around that theme. “Did you call everyone? Did you tell them what time? Do they know where it is?” But I knew where she was really getting at, and I had to ignore it. Underneath those questions based on the theme I Don’t Think People Will Show is a hint of “I told you so.” That’s how I feel any time she gives me any advice. That’s not what a mother’s words should do.
I escape her fury of questions, but before I could, disappointing text messages started to arrive. “I’m sorry I can’t come; I’m going to be late; I’m at work still,” one right after the other. It was almost 7… why was I finding all this out now?
I ignore a few, throw my phone into my pocket, and head over the bridge to a nice Indian restaurant I picked out earlier that day. I wait for about 10 minutes before one of my very good friends showed up. And we sat… alone… for a very long time, before another cousin showed up about an hour late. And the three of us had a great dinner where we spoke about TV and the food and Thanksgiving and Black Friday.
Nine invites and only two show. I guess it’s a good thing I’m numb. I told my good friend before my cousin arrived that I didn’t want to complain or acknowledge my feelings, but I was upset and sad. Like why does this always happen? And then after we left and I got home I called another good friend who moved to Virginia earlier this year. He was shocked to see me home at 10:49 as he stated. I vented to him. I told him how I felt like I invested a good amount of myself into people but I never got the same in return. My aunt told me a long time ago that a relationship was not about tit for tat. And with that, I never expected anything since. But now, am I foolish for not? Is it my fault that I do so much that is out of my way even though I believe it to be civil and loving when no one will do the same? But sometimes, I feel like if I don’t do it then the small amount of compassion I have will feel dishonored. So I don’t want to completely disregard requests.
My mom likes to point out that I do so much for others (and nothing for her when she asks) and I don’t think it’s true. It could just be because I don’t like listening to her. But she’s always been that way. She never saw the good in any of my friends or anything I did (blogging, dancing, Love Shea, etc.) It’s like I have to fight for affection from the people I should be getting it from naturally.
I went to a friend’s house that was supposed to go and vented to him and his boyfriend about everyone and them for not showing. The boyfriend was in the ER and I took that as a valid exception and excused them. My friend told me that everything that I didn’t receive when I was younger is what I’m looking for in other (which is something I’ve always known) and that I placed that in myself because I believe that is how a person should be (something that was completely new to me). I am what I seek because I believe it to be ideal and I also want it in return—amazing.
With that said, is it right for me to be seeking it in others? Am I expecting too much from people? But it was my birthday. Out of every other day in the year, can I simply ask for people to care about me on one day that is designated to my arrival on Earth? Is that too much to ask for?
Alls I know is that I’m tired. I’m tired of wishing and hoping and begging and pleading and bargaining and all that. I want to move on from this. I’m 23 now. I’m old. I’m going to be 24 in a year, and since this years are flying by I’ll be 25 then 27 then 29 and then 30. I so much more to focus on then people in my past that haven’t made my life worth much in a long time. I looking for these people to be something they’ll never be. I gotta start looking else where and leave the old behind.
New seems exciting and inspiring. I can’t deal with all my old worries anymore.
I think that’s the end of this post.
Holidays are supposed to be times spent with family, enjoying good food and laughter, and reminiscing about the days where you were young, innocent, and ready for life to open up to you. But, for me, it’s changed.
I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t been happy—with life or myself—for a few months, but I know what other factors play a role: my family. We have never really been the friendliest, supportive, encouraging bunch, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten worse.
I can remember spending Thanksgiving at my house or my grandma’s and Christmas at one of my aunts’ homes. EVERYONE would be there—I have a very large family to the point where people had to sit in the living room or on the stairs to eat their food. But now, holidays consist of no more than 10 guests, and this year it was very segregated.
I usually get depressed around my birthday for multiple reasons I’ll explain in another post. But now that my holidays aren’t full of togetherness and love… I’m beginning to question what’s here for me back at home.
My mother and I have been arguing so much lately. And the family has become so divided that I spent Thanksgiving with my cousins. My mother slept all day. And I feel so disappointed in her that she didn’t attend or take it upon herself to have a Thanksgiving with her husband and son by cooking. I feel betrayed and unloved, which isn’t new. And then going to my cousin’s wasn’t any better because there were no uncles, or aunts, or extended cousins, and no grandma. I believe my grandma spent Thanksgiving alone. In her home. And when I thought about it late Thursday night, it hurt a little. I know we’re aren’t the most bonded, but… it should never be that bad.
And I feel like I”m struggling with this all on my own. I have no one to go to, to talk about it with, to make me feel better, to experience it with, nothing. I have to hold onto this without help, without my mom since we don’t have a friendship, without siblings because I’m an only child, without cousins because I haven’t formed a deep emotional bond with them. I’m doing this on my own. I want us to be together, but no one else does. I actually introduced the idea of inviting everyone and it was shot down. It didn’t upset me because my idea was disregarded but because it showed me how detached we’ve become.
Where did it begin, and how do we (I) end it?
Asked by Anonymous Anonymous
Umm… let me start by saying you shouldn’t be concerned with having a boyfriend at your age. I was, and trust me, it was so pointless when I wound up having one then another. They were… teenagers, and I say that because they weren’t at a certain level and being a gay teenage couple in the hood is difficult—almost secretive. So I stopped yearning for a companion and just decided to be friendly with boys I liked without having to give them total commitment. I know, I sound like a dog but it works. LOL! But since I’m almost 23, I’m definitely interested in having an adult relationship, but I haven’t answered your question. I found my first through a mutual friend. I basically asked my friend to hook me up and help me get into the gay scene, which was something I hated. I’m not a scene kid at all. So, I hoped that helped.
My horoscopes have practically been screaming at me for the past fives days. It’s like God is trying to hammer it into my head so it can finally get through to me.
It never fully dawned on me that the something I want and the something I’m afraid of both come from the same place or are the same thing. I have very grand dreams—things I’ve been thinking about since I was fourteen. And recently, those dreams have been modified to fit my current lifestyle and situation, and I’ve been thinking about the things I want to do for this fall.
Just thinking about how awesome I want to be and successful I will be is only frightening when I think it won’t happen. I’ve built myself up in the past only to be let down drastically. I guess I’ve grown accustomed to feeling like things won’t go my way, and for that I’m afraid to pursue my aspirations—because I “know” they won’t work out and I’ll be a failure.
"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get back up." Or something like that.
But even though I’m afraid, I can honestly admit I’ve never stopped. Well, from some things. I haven’t been so consisted with my YouTube videos, all my blogs, my writings, etc. I’ve become complacent and I don’t know why.
I remember when I was younger I would schedule myself to the quarter hour. I created this large poster that had columns with the days of the week and rows of hours. In the slots I would fill in what I was going to do at said time, later in high school, I created a larger one on a cork board (I may need to go back to using it). But I would refer to it, create list, and anything else that would help me stay on task.
Since college, complacency has made me drop my neurotic behavior. One night, I figured I’ve become complacent because I’m blessed frequently and have gotten used to it. Like God just bestows me with so much (some things I don’t even recognize) and because he’s always there to save me, I essentially don’t have to save myself.
With there being so much I have planned for the near future, I need to go back to making lists and keeping my priorities in order. I have bit off more than I can chew. I have so many things I want to do. A lot. Like, sometimes it becomes so overwhelming in my head that I prematurely give up. I stress myself out. I think about all the things I want to do, and literally say “I’ll do it tomorrow” because it’s too much.
That’s the biggest thing though—I don’t believe in myself enough. I don’t know when I’ve become so self-conscious. This is partly the reason I second guess myself and then I don’t write a blog post or film a video or whatever. I know I’m capable of so much.
I started reflecting onto the younger me and how I didn’t take no for an answer and did everything I wanted without fear of consequence. It’s not like I deprive myself now though. I haven’t stopped completely, but I did sort of leave my brand behind.
Sometimes I really just need to live for now. I think ahead a lot and for why? All that stuff will come as long as I do what I need to do now. And I can’t do everything today. I have to take it one step at a time. It’s like wanting to plant an apple tree and expecting to pick an apple and eat it the next day. That just isn’t going to happen. The seeds I’ve planted are still growing.
I don’t know when I’ve become so pessimistic, but I’m seeking to end it. It’s amazing to think about dropping everything and just starting over. All these feelings I’ve been harboring for so long can just be done and over with if I let them go and go on for here.
Okay. Time for changes. Life is about choices and I’m choosing to do all the wrong things. I have more control over my life than I believe. I do have faith in myself. It’s there, I just may not acknowledge it all the time. And if I was doing wrong, God would have told me by now. Something would be going terribly wrong if so.
I’m going to sit down one of these days and write a complete list of the things I want to do this fall and see them all through. I’m also going to keep better schedules so I won’t lose myself along the way. And when complacency wants to come around, I’ll ignore it and act regardless.
Ever since I was a little boy, I can strongly remember wanting to do so much. I went from wanting to be a lawyer to a doctor to an actor to a novelist to a businessman. I’m currently at a place in my life where I don’t really know what I want to do, and I can honestly admit that.
I’ve been working a lot with Love Shea and trying to do everything I can to develop it into a substantial brand that creates quality products while also supporting me. Last week, things weren’t working out quite well, and I thought about surrendering to God and putting everything in His hands to work out. I got this method from watching Oprah’s Master Class featuring her (watch the video clip here). Oprah talks about how if a person’s thoughts and energy are “in sync with what is to come your way”, only then will you receive it.
I’ve been trying to put myself in that space of not only having faith but combining it with the action to see my aspirations come to life.
"Faith without works is dead." — James 2:14-26.
But for some reason, all the wishing and hoping and even the work put behind it just never seems like enough. Or maybe it’s because my expectations are too high, and I don’t have the patience, or I’m not willing to let God step in.
"Hope breeds eternal misery."
I read on Instagram one day that “Patience is not the ability to wait. Waiting is a fact of life. Patience is the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting." And my attitude has definitely been terrible. Sometimes it’s not even the fact that I don’t know what I want, but it’s the fact that I do know what I want but because it isn’t here now, I have an issue with that. My greatest fears are failure and not being able to support myself. I don’t want to be dependent on others. I’ve been a selfish, spoiled child for too long.
So last week, after watching that video clip again, I started to pray to God, trying to surrender. My horoscopes had been telling me that I should listen to advice that I’ve been given, and most of that advice was to get a job and stop trying to invest so much time and energy into my aspirations.
"God can dream a bigger dream for me, for you, than you could ever dream for yourself. When you’ve worked as hard and done as much and strived and tried and given and pled and bargained and hoped… surrender. When you have done all that you can do and there’s nothing left for you to do, give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself."
I prayed and prayed and prayed. I wanted to surrender just like Oprah did, which helped her receive the blessing of The Color Purple. I woke up later that day with the idea to sell my 2oz jars, because brand loyalty is something I lack and to acquire it, I had to sell cheaper products so people would purchase and thereafter be interested.
In that moment I realized that I hadn’t done everything. There was more that I could do to not only market Love Shea but to acquire a lot of the other aspirations I have. I wasn’t working as hard as I let on. I’ve become so lazy and inconsistent that I’ve accepted it as my truth and and fell into denial.
I set up some 2oz jars and changed the homepage of LoveShea.com and announced the sale the next day. The smaller jars have been a hit, and I’ve also lined up a few other things for Love Shea and am trying to use that as inspiration toward other things I’m working on.
In that moment I was praying, I wasn’t surrendering. I was giving up. I was tired and scared and in denial, and I just wanted to give it up to God to work on because I didn’t know what to do and maybe I wanted to be lazy. I fell in my defeat and accepted it as a failure, because all the signs were showing me that’s what it was. But it’s not. I’m not even half way done.
Even writing this is making me realize more and motivating me further. I told y’all in the last post that I sleep late, wake up late, and do some work but not everything. There are so many hours that always appear to fly by, but they’re also very empty. I don’t fill them with anything other than complacency, denial, stress, and overwhelm-ent (what is the noun form of this word? LOL). I really need to stop thinking and just do. Maybe that’s the key. My mind is what’s discouraging me more than anything. If I just thought of possibilities and NOT their oppositions, anything would appear possibile.
There is definitely a difference between surrendering and giving up. I’ve only been working at this a few weeks, so I definitely haven’t done everything. And until I do, is only when I can truly surrender and place the rest in God’s hands.
Don’t give up guys. Don’t fall into a rut of fear and resent. Don’t stop believing in yourself. Don’t become complacent and accept misery. Don’t have hope without action. Don’t let what others say deter you. Don’t deny your mind the chance to expand and think of all possibilities. Just don’t do anything that is in opposition to your greatness.
Whew. This was good.
We started thinking, “why would someone buy a large 8oz jar of a product they know nothing about?” Well, here’s your chance to sample the product for less!
We’re selling our signature Shea Butter Cream at 2oz for $5.50. YES! $5.50! You can’t beat that. We wouldn’t want you to make such a big commitment to a product you know nothing about, so here’s your chance to try it.
Log onto LoveShea.com and select 2oz. from the drop down menu and purchase. It’s that simple.
— Love Shea
I just left this blog in the dust because I’m entirely too inconsistent with my writing. I apologize.
There has been a lot going on in my life for the past few months I’ve been absent. I’m not going to divulge everything in this one post. But I will find a common denominator and discuss that further.
This is something I wrote in my journal earlier today when I woke up. A task I’ve been meaning to do for over a month. My journal gets upset with me when I ignore it, too. I can hear it groan with disgust at my neglect as I flip through its pages and my pen scratches on the paper. But I apologize with every entry. And I think it forgives me each time.
I guess that’s what this blog will be about. My inconsistency and me pushing myself and forgiveness. And of course, me being tired.
I’m tired of waking up every morning not knowing what I am living for. I am tired of waking up in desolate Camden, New Jersey where the greatest thing to do is spend your nights at Olive Garden of the movies or bowling with friends. I’m tired of being surrounded by negative, lost, trash individuals with nothing to live for either. I’m tired of waiting—waiting for dreams to come true. Sorry God. I’m tired of breathing stale air. I’m tired of staying in my room because I don’t have many friends here, or because I don’t like people, or because my father lounges in the living room all day and I don’t want to be around him. I’m tired of not fullfilling my duties. I have shit to do and I don’t always follow through. I’m tired of being tired. Cliche, I know.
It’s only been a month since I’ve been home, and I’ve given myself every excuse in the book not to be consistent with ATFierce.com, FierceKinkyLove.com, and my YouTube videos. My main excuse was my new website for my hair & skin care products, LoveShea.com. I built an entire company, website, marketing channels, and product in a few months, and I can’t say anything other than I am very proud of myself. Of course, I didn’t obtain immediate success, but that’s not how shit works. It’s been five days and I’ve been stressed about making sales. Jesus, Abe, chill the fuck out. Sorry Lord for putting your name and a curse word in the same sentence. Anyway…
This is it for now. I could go on forever but I won’t. I’m challenging myself to be more consistent, and forgiving myself for not being as punctual and motivated as I want to be. I’m working on two blogs, trying to get videos out every week, selling these butters (so I can pay my bills), and I want to be an editor for this online magazine I’ve written for before. That’s what I have in store. And I also want to finish this novel I want to work on getting published in the fall. I give myself tasks but no time to do it all. I’m lazy.
I’m tired of being lazy.
I did actually get some Love Shea business stuff done today, calling the state and the IRS and things. So, it was somewhat productive.
Goodnight everyone. Fierce & Love.
It’s really sad how I still find myself going on old friends’ Facebook profiles just to check in on their lives as if they are still relevant in mine. Why do I continue to emotionally cut?
I’m just glad I don’t get as bitter as I once did. I used to log on and be like, “Why are you smiling? Why does your life seem so amazing? Oh my God, you’re in a relationship and I’m single? You still look super cute. Why aren’t you miserable and alone like I want you to be?” Gladly, I’m beginning to come out of that feeling. I can go on their profiles and be happy for them and smile. But, I still compare myself to them.
I’ve always been very competitive in life. I need to win at everything. I literally make up a competition in my head, and I always have to be the best. It’s not even about being the center of attention or being insecure about myself, I just like “winning.” I look on their pages and find them doing amazing things with their lives and being in great relationships. I’m just realizing that I’m being disrespectful to God, again, because I have so much to be grateful for.
I may look at them and feel like I’m doing nothing, but I have 3 amazing blogs I’m trying to get off the ground, I work at a television network that many people love, I have some awesome friends, and I’m doing well in school. Maybe I need to tattoo my accomplishments on myself so I can be reminded of them.
I need to get out of my feelings soon. This is so stupid.
This week of “Five Years Before Marriage” will have a sub-theme of “Evolution.” For anyone that knows me, you know I’m constantly evolving and trying to change for the better.
I can honestly remember going through 3 significant changes in my life. The first one would be during the summer of 2007, the second would be the fall of 2009, and the third would be fall of 2011. These changes were the most significant because they caused me to really take a look at my life and reevaluate myself.
I’m at a place right now where I’m constantly stressed and overwhelmed. And I have no one to blame but me. I look at my accomplishments and know that I could do better, but how? I know I expect too much of myself, and that’s where the constant worrying stems from.
In these next few posts, I’ll speak a little more about my evolution. I think this may get a little deep.
In my last post, I mentioned how I wanted to be married by the age of 27, which is the theme of this month’s #ATF30: “Five Years Before Marriage.” In this post, I wanted to explain why 27 was such a significant year for me.
In “It Always Rains…" I explained how I had about 2 or 3 years left of school. But, the decision to be married by 27 actually was created before I knew this was going to happen. For some reason, I knew that by 27 I would be financially secure in a lucrative career and even in a stellar relationship. I’ve always had a talent for dreaming big and having grand hopes for myself, but that’s not a bad thing. Dreaming big has gotten me as far as I am now, so why stop?
Deep down, I know that I’ll be in the best place of life at that age. Twenty-seven is also when my mother had me. Yes, she waited a long time to have her first child, and that’s something that I think helped me become who I am. Without having that distance in age from my mother, I don’t know how I would have turned out. I feel like a parent should be old enough to parent, not just physically capable to conceive a child.
Also, the sum of the two numbers happens to be 9. If you know me, you know that I’m into astrology, and I’m just becoming familiar with numerology. I’m not sure what 9 specifically means, but I know it’s a multiple of my favorite/lucky number 3. Nine also happens to be 3-squared. That’s three 3’s! I don’t know about you, but that’s a sign like no other. My birth date (30th) has a sum of 3, and my entire birthday (11.30.1990) has a sum of 6. That’s a lot of 3’s.
That’s why 27 has such significance. But is it realistic? In this day and age and in my current situation with relationships, can I count on my dream of being married by 27? I don’t know anymore, particularly since it’s only 5 years away. But so much can happen in 5 years.
I’m sorry for not blogging yesterday. I know I said I would blog everyday and I’m already failing. But these beginning blog posts are only a set up for what’s to come. Be sure to check out tomorrow’s post which will explain the first sub-theme for the week. Stay sweet.
Fierce & Love.