My Night With Janet Mock

As I sit in my bed—hair pulled back and up, dress clothes off, feet and legs in relief from walking and standing in dress shoes for four hours—I can’t help but reflect on my night.

I have a hard time figuring out where to begin when I do my personal entries. But I believe I want to start off by saying, when you are meant to do something, God will order the steps to get you there. I hate to sound preachy and such because I’m not that religious, but I honestly have always believed that. When I actually sit down to think about it, everything I want I either get or is on its way—my long terms foals being on their way.

I got all dolled up this afternoon in preparation for probably the greatest event I’ve ever been to while in NYC. I stepped off the train and walked to the building, greeted by a lovely girl that directed me to the 9th floor. I registered, check my coat, and got my picture taken by a cool guy wearing the greatest skirt I had ever seen.

I stood there waiting for my editor, David Bridgeforth, and was soon joined by him and Twiggy Garcon after about half an hour.

Then, she walked in—a beautiful brown woman clad in neon orange making her the brightest thing in the room. I was stunned. I was in the same room and breathing space as Janet Mock. I couldn’t believe it.

Janet mingled with guests she probably knew, and I stood there watching her for a few minutes pretending as if I was breathing and not dying. David ask me to do some work for DBQ, and I did, just to give myself some relief from her.

During this time, I had some interesting conversations with people in the media industry. I met someone from Simon & Shuster, which my publishing professors will love especially since I skipped class for this. I met Miss Jay and got to have a great conversation with him and was even able to paraphrase his book I read back in 2010—he loved that and showed me off to his friends. I met Laverne Cox who and gushed all over her. I had to tell her she’s such an eloquent speaker since I watch her interviews like 5 times each. I talked to everyone.

Then, it was time for Janet to speak. And she nearly cried. And I hugged her. I touched her. I breathed her air. I told her how much I admired her and couldn’t wait to be successful like her. It was awesome. I can’t put it into words.

Ultimately, I had a very good evening and I did a LOT of networking. Everyone got my card. Okay, just the people who were engaging and could be beneficial as a network. And they were very friendly and attentive not pompous or arrogant. And, we had issues of DBQ where I wrote When Queens Climb The Back of Trade. That title got everyone going, and I can’t wait to hear what people have to say including Miss Jay.

I said a few weeks ago about how I was going to change my life for the better and achieve my goals. Who knows, this may get me a paying job one day! I think it’s true that when you bring in the New Year a certain way that’s how it ends up. I was open and courageous and I’m not going to stop.

AT Fierce’s Requiem

This past Thursday, i took a trip to Philly to do someone’s hair (post on Instagram). I had only met this person once before at the screening of The Skinny in 2012. He was actually a fan of mine and had been following AT Fierce most likely since 2009 or 2010. He introduced me as AT and him and his boyfriend who’ve been commenting on my Fan Page for a long time kept calling me this name. I didn’t mind, but it was evident they didn’t know who “Abe” was—literally and figuratively—so I told them my name. I was shocked I hadn’t made my name clear before on my Fan Page or maybe even my videos. This was my first time ever doing a strangers hair, and I don’t think it will be my last because the money is too good. But, talking to him really got me thinking about myself.

AT Fierce was created in high school during my senior year. Beyonce had just come out with I Am… Sasha Fierce and I was participating in my high school’s homecoming. Our homecoming is like a pageant, so there’s an entrance, performance, and Q&A segment. I didn’t want to do it at first, but after coaxing from my peers, I developed this alter ego to help me perform to my best ability—AT Fierce. That whole year there were people calling me AT Fierce. So, when I developed my persona online, there was no question about what the name should be.

I’ve been on the Internet since 2009, and quite frankly, it hasn’t been all it’s cracked up to be. I was a part of the YouTube world for a better part of the year, had a lot of subscribers, and even met a lot of YouTubers because of it. Then, I lost myself. I became very depressed. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. And therefore, my brand suffered and I hadn’t made a video in quite some time even though I was blogging heavily. Then blogging took a gradual stop. And now I’m here in January 2014 slowly committing a murder to my old alter ego.

I think it’s time. Beyonce killed Sasha, so it makes sense to kill her brother AT. I want to incorporate everything he stood for—ferocity, confidence, love—into the larger being of myself. I want Abraham to be a fully realized person that doesn’t need an alter ego to vouch for him. So, since my website has been erased, I think it’s time to do a little more erasing.

I’ve decided to change my Twitter name and delete my tweets to start over. I’m a hoarder at heart—probably due to my anxiety disorder. Deleting my tweets would make me feel like I’m losing something I really cherish and starting new is scary. But I want to have a more professional persona on Twitter. If I’m going to have the career I see, I need to stop with my tomfoolery and really become an adult with his priorities in order. I’m not going to discontinue all of what i like about Twitter, just the things that I know aren’t beneficial. And from there, my brand will better itself.

I’ve actually been contemplating this for a while. About 3 years ago I thought about having multiple Twitters, but I’m not about to manage all of those.

Say your final good byes to AT Fierce. You’ll see him again in me, but he will never be the frontrunner. This decision might be the best thing I have ever done in a while.

My Social Phobia

A lot of people may look at me and see someone who is very expressive and communicative and an extrovert. But, due to my anxiety, I suffer from social phobia, which has plagued my life for as long as I can remember.

I think it has something to do with me being the black sheep of my family. I’ve always felt like an outcast and that no one understood who I was or listened to what I had to say. That caused me to place myself in a shell that I would only crack open for those I deemed as worthy. In my young adult years, I’m working on abolishing that fear and lowering that wall that comes off rude and combative so I can make more friends. Sometimes, that wall isn’t there, though. Sometimes, I’m just quiet and shy, but even that is taken wrongly, and it makes me begin to wonder will anyone ever be satisfied with the way I display myself.

My cousin and her sister had their annual Ladies Night Party this Saturday and coerced me into attending. Automatically, I developed the fear of being the only male there and also the token gay. Then my usual fears of being “wrong” when saying something, or not understanding a joke, or being unable to participate in “insiders” reared its ugly head. Then my cousin advised me there would be a sex demonstration. I knew immediately that I would be skipping this because I’m also a prude around certain individuals. Largely my family, because they’ve never seen me be or hear me speak about being sexual, which I’m really not. And also, around heterosexual women because I dislike being the representation for all gay men. I hate the questions they can bombard you with.

I still managed to have fun with the things we talked about and the things we did, even though a few people got a little risque and I saw things I strongly shied away from. I still found myself being quite reserved, which isn’t odd for me. I genuinely laugh along to almost everything funny. I speak when spoken to or when it’s appropriate. And I am sure not to be too much of the center of attention not to bring on undesired gazes and opinions. In that instance (not that I haven’t realized it before), it was made clear this is how I “can be” when in social situations. So many of the things I hear about my personality from others often confuse and irritate me because it’s obviously in opposition to how I really am.

Sunday morning, some boy I met over the summer through my friend D (from the New Years post) wanted me to call him so we could have a conversation. This is where the “combative” Abe kicks in. Before I meant him this summer, I was warned that he’s very charismatic and flirtatious, which he was and immediately was on my tail when we met. I despise when people I’m not attracted to are like this. This is why I’m a bitch to them because I want them to know this will go nowhere. So, i call him later in the afternoon, and after going around the block in conversation for some time, we wound up discussing my personality.

He mentioned my bitchy wall, which is also not new to me and told me he knows that it’s a facade that he hasn’t clearly defined yet. Although the facade portion is true for the sake of it being a barrier, sometimes I’m a genuine bitch internally whenever I’m aggravated and irritable. It’s been that way since I was young. Then he proceeded to talk about the night we met—a very sore subject I haven’t been able to deal with since July. After the party, I thought I had “performed” well for once. That I was charismatic (at times), gracious, and polite. I spoke to everyone, laughed at their jokes, and tried to be as expressive and personal as I allowed myself. I thought I did a job well done, then D mentioned to me on our ride home that I offended quite a bit of people. I was shocked, angry, and defeated. It was like your mother telling you you did a horrible job on the opening night of your play when you believed you had been the most talented and skilled at acting you had ever been. To know, or be told rather, your best wasn’t your best is daunting and frustrating. I shut myself out the rest of the ride home and have been conscious of that performance ever since.

This boy (R for this post) told me I’m obnoxious, which is something I’ve never heard before. I know I can be loud vocally and my laugh, but obnoxious is something I’ve never heard to describe my personality.

The definition of obnoxiousaccording to dictionary.com:

1. highly objectionable or offensive; odious: obnoxious behavior.

2. annoying or objectionable due to being a showoff or attracting undue attention to oneself: an obnoxious little brat.

Now that I’ve defined it and see the word “offensive” I can “see” what he means but I still don’t agree. I’ve always thought obnoxious people were outlandishly offensive or just loud and brash. That’s so not me.

Regardless, I still don’t agree. R told me I spoke as if I knew everyone for ten years. I took that as me being communicative after opening up and being very familiar. I have a large personality that shines when having a good time, but people don’t see it that way. I enjoy conversation and love making people love once I warm up. I’m an extrovert with social phobia—a contradiction I have yet to fully understand. But to here my expression is obnoxious was enough. I was offended and ended the conversation thereafter. I won’t condone such things from someone I’ve met twice. How can you be so observant of my personality and have the audacity to “read” me and tell me how I need to correct myself? You don’t even know me.

That’s mostly my issue with first impressions. Yes, they are everything. I can judge someone immediately from a few seconds. But I give people time. I like learning more about people. One sitting and conversation is never enough, and I guess I expect people to do the same for me and that’s foolish, so I’ve been told. Other comments from that night are that I was bougie and snobbish (most likely me being quiet and shy) and that I say things that unnecessary. But no one can give me clear examples and responses. Even when D was telling me these things on the car ride home he was vague saying he didn’t remember the critiques clearly. How do you expect someone to change (if that’s what they want to do) if you’re not going to give them clear responses. How am I a snob? How am I obnoxious? What did I say that was unnecessary and offensive? If you tell me these things, I can explain and even apologize for them. But really, it just sounds like people are being judgmental and unclear. And that’s what I don’t have time for.

I’m still going to continue to be myself no matter what. Maybe my social phobia has kept me from learning proper social skills, but every social environment is different. You can’t perform the same every time. But, I love myself and am proud of how far I’ve come emotionally and socially. There are people that love and accept me for who I am, and for those who don’t, why am I supposed to care?

Sagittarius Horoscopes: 2013 vs. 2014

Sagittarius horoscope for 2013 

You are an energetic, enterprising, and very positive sign. When you are at your best, you are a force to behold. Other people look at you with envy as you seem to soar through every goal. Just like the archer that is the symbol of your sign, nothing stops you when you set your sites on something you want. You are a straight-shooter too, and while most people appreciate this trait, you have to be careful not to cross over from “honest” to tactless. In 2012, you may have experienced some conflicts that came from too much unedited “honesty.” This year, work on being gentler in your self-expression or your advice to others. Sometimes, your interactions with others are marked by superficial small-talk, and this year you are encouraged to dig deeper in your personal relationships. Many Sagittarians love to travel, and this year you may take a journey or two with a significant other or a love interest. Overall, 2013 will bring you many nice surprises in your home life, as well as the chance to become closer to special friends and family members. 

Love

Your love life has probably been steady and reliable over the last few years, Sagittarius - but it may also have been a little bit mundane or even boring. This year you will have many chances to spice up your love life. When you travel, use that time to kick back and relax and to get to know your partner on a deeper, richer, and sexier level. If you’re married, this year could mark an even more significant connection. If you are single, the love of your life could appear around February or March. 

Family

Your family is like a well-oiled machine, and that’s because they have you at the helm. You keep things running smoothly and happily because you are an excellent provider and because you are so organized and proactive when dealing with family matters. This year you can expect more of the same, with a few sweet surprises - perhaps a marriage or pregnancy announcement from a family member. Overall, your family life will continue to be pleasing. 

Career

If it hasn’t happened yet, there may be a big change in your career this year, Sagittarius. You might reenter the workforce, change jobs or careers, or start your own business. You should encounter numerous opportunities in 2013 to do any of the above. If you are persistent and committed, you could earn more money than ever and take your ambitions to a new level. Just be sure that you enjoy what you’re doing. 

Sagittarius horoscope for 2014 

Sagittarius, you are an introspective sign with a great hunger for exploration and discovery. You are quite spiritual and you view your life as one big, broad horizon. You are always wondering what lies just beyond the bend. The opinions you come to are always achieved after great thought and conversation. You are a broad thinker, but you tend to get fixed on your ideas once you arrive at a conclusion. In 2014 you will need to learn to be more flexible, adaptable, and open to the changes that are constantly happening around you. You can be quite outspoken in your views, so if someone agrees with you then you will share a passionate camaraderie. But if someone disagrees with you, they do so at their own peril for you can be blunt and tactless when you don’t agree with another person’s viewpoint. This year it will be upon you to send loving vibes out into the universe, even to those who don’t share your beliefs. This will help you to open your mind and to achieve greater harmony and contentment in every area of your life.

Love

You are a fun and passionate sign, Sagittarius, and you often attract potential partners because spending time with you is always exciting and enjoyable. The problem with that is that sometimes people are drawn to you for what they see on the surface. You tend to keep the “real you” hidden at times. Your gregariousness is always on display, of course, but the sweet, tender, and sentimental you is often hidden from the spotlight. That’s how you avoid getting hurt, but doing so could also draw the wrong people to you, or could keep the right people away from you. This year you will need to reveal more of your sensitive side, despite wanting to always come off as tough and invincible. If you do, your love life - whether you are attached or simply looking for someone special - will thrive. And you will have the chance to do so - that wonderful sweet side of your personality will be revealed this year when a lover surprises you with a special party or a special night on the town.

Family

You are a fierce protector of your family, Sagittarius, and they love you for it. Whether your parents, your siblings, or especially your children, everyone knows that you will defend those you love at all costs. Sometimes, though, this tendency becomes intrusive. You always want to know what’s going on in your family members’ lives, sometimes to the point of pushiness or even nosiness. There may be a few delicate issues unfolding in the lives of your relatives this year, Sagittarius, and so you will have to hold your tongue if you have the desire to offer a strong opinion or to dig for information. If you respect the privacy of those you are close to, they will probably be more inclined to confide in you. And if you are careful to do so this year, you may be the first person to be told a really big and exciting secret!

Career

Career is important to those born under the sign of Sagittarius, but not to the exclusion of other areas of life. Your family life and your love life, for example, are just as if not more important than your work life. You have a knack for managing great balance in this way. Whatever you do for a living, you are either well-trained or you are impeccably self-taught. You take great pride in your work. Even if you have a professional career, you might also dabble in a side business that you own. This year, if you haven’t branched out into some kind of personal business pursuit that you have always wanted to try, the stars are supporting you. And even though you will still be able to stop and smell the roses and enjoy your family and friends, you should be able to make great headway in any financial efforts. This should be a very productive year for you. By July, you will come into contact with someone who could offer you a very fruitful connection. Don’t take this opportunity lightly, as it could significantly change your financial future for the better.

Bringing In The New Year

Last night, I partied at a club for the first time to bring in the new year. It was amazing. It was fun. And adventurous. And the people I went with were a big part of that. I’m thankful.

They say the way you bring in the new year is how the rest of the year will be. So, let me tell you how last night went.

Usually, I’m very reserved and bitter whenever I’m around new people or couples. I’ve been spending a lot of my time since this summer with a new friend and his boyfriend. I had met him about two years ago through my good friend Rudy who moved to Virginia last year. We’ve all chatted on Twitter for those two years until he moved around the corner from me last spring, and Rudy made us get close. Best push I’ve ever gotten. I haven’t had a friend in my neighborhood since I was 6 years old.

My friend (who I’ll call D) and his fiancee (K) invited another married gay couple (F and M) to go along with us. I was apprehensive because I know how bad my bitterness can be. It’s almost debilitating. But my growth and Paxil have helped with my anxiety, so I wasn’t saddened about being the 5th—which is something I’m used to.

When we got to the club in Philly, I took a shot of tequila—a ritual I’ve been doing ever since last fall whenever I’m not designated and need to be completely turnt. I hadn’t been at this club in nearly two years due to work and friends moving. Me and M got on top of some speakers and started dancing like we were white girl wasted. When the clock struck midnight, we downed some complementary champagne from the bar. And D and K thought it would be cute to give me a kiss at the same time on either cheek. I accepted the pity kisses wholeheartedly, because even though I dislike pity one of my new promises to myself is to be accepting of people’s generosity. I was content.

D and K realized there was this boy staring at me while we were dancing. And they’re so embarrassing so they decided to go up to him and literally push me to talk to him. I hate when someone “needs” a friend to talk them up. It appears so… insecure. But as it was explained to me later, it’s not a bad thing if a bottom needs someone to introduce him. it’s only bad if a top has to go about it like that. Rules I never knew.

I spoke to him. He was cool. Evidently shy and quiet—somewhat of a turn off. I don’t like having to initiate conversation too much, but I did it because again I’m trying to be a new person. I gave this boy LIFE last night, grinding on him so hard my legs started to give way and he couldn’t help but grab my butt ravenously. We danced for about an hour in and out of talking. When the dancehall beats came on, talking was over. Then, I did something I thought I would never do… I kissed a stranger. I mean, I’ve seen people in clubs do it before, but I was always too much of a prude to do such a thing. But it was nice. It was different. His breath didn’t stink and his lips were luscious and smooth. Satisfactory.

I said my good byes, wished him a happy new year, gave him a good bye kiss and paused. I wanted to see if he was going to ask me for my number. This is where the old me stepped in—the me who likes being approached. The me who believes someone cares by their explicit actions. But he didn’t ask, so I thought he didn’t want it or me, which was actually fine because he wasn’t really my type. Like, he was appealing and an obvious good kisser, but he lived in Trenton, which is too far from Camden and New York. I so I let it be a club fling and nothing more. I was content in that. But my friends weren’t.

After some time of moving about the club I told them I didn’t get his number, and as the club was closing they sought to receive it for me. The guy was more than willing, and now I feel obligated to text him.

All in all, I’m excited about the change I made. First time ever being hit on, partially approached, and desired. It felt odd. I even had three people compliment my hair, which I sweated out and it shrunk up like shit. There was also a boy there that I saw at D and K’s Christmas party. He came up to me at the end and said, “I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but I just wanted to tell you I find you very attractive. I wanted to tell you at the Tree Trimming party but couldn’t.” I accepted his compliment and told him it wasn’t rude at all. But that was it.

Again, this probably shows me as being a prude and someone who has put up a wall that people have to climb over. But I just don’t know the rules of “conversation” I guess you can call it, especially in a club setting. Beside, the guy was cute (cuter than the boy I kissed) but also not my type and his breath was TART. I had to stop breathing as he said all this in my ear from fear of fainting.

With all that said, I can’t wait to do it again. If I continue to be more open with my personality—not my hole—then maybe dating won’t be such a mystery this year. Next time I go out, I’m going to initiate conversation without fear of rejection like I had my like 5 years of clubbing. And I can take this lesson into all facets of my life. I can initiate pretty much anything without fear of rejection and being satisfied I at least went through with it.

I started the new year receptive, adventurous, daring, and content with my actions. Let’s see if the rest of the year will be like that.

Closing 2013

As the year comes to a close, I look back on the successes and downfalls I had.

In the New Year, I plan to be more supportive and loving of myself. Taking each blessing and owning it fully and wholeheartedly. I’ll never doubt my capabilities again.

I’m proud of myself for ATFierce.com and creating the wonderful graphics that went along with it. I’m proud of myself for starting Love Shea and continuing on with it from here on. I’m proud of myself for doing so well in school. I’m proud of growing from an insecure, uncompassionate, person who found it difficult to meet new people and trust them and create friendships. I’m still learning; I don’t think that’ll ever stop.

In 2014, I’m going to be making new moves—that will be as successful as moves I made in prior years. And I’ll also still be learning. I’m never going to stop learning. There’s so much to know and experience. And I’m not going to deter myself from having it all.

Stay sweet everyone and take care in the new year. Fierce & Love.

Happy Birthday, Abe

I need to sit and write this before I go to bed no matter how tired I pretend to be or how much I just want to do nothing. This is me overcoming procrastination.

Since my birthday ended Saturday night, I’ve been thinking of possible ways to begin this. But since it’s personal and not academic or analytical, I think I’ll just ramble until I come to some conclusion.

I do want to start off by telling you birthdays, for me, have never really been that good. I get all this anxiety and depression every time my birthday comes around like I mentioned in my last post. A few days before my 23rd, I realized my birthday (with family) hasn’t been good since I turned 13. Now that I’m writing it, it’s shocking to realize it’s been ten years. Every subsequent birthday has been spent with friends from school. I think it largely has to do with the fact that I was becoming very detached from my family who I felt like a black sheep around. And even before then, I always felt like no one cared about me. No one listened so I was silent. No one cared so I didn’t confide in anyone. That’s when I began becoming numb to a lot.

I have been becoming extraordinarily close to two of cousins one of which lives down the street. This year has been difficult for us in regards to disagreements with other family members that have made them think differently about us. It’s cause some envy that I don’t like to acknowledge along with dissent and disconnect. But when around each other we do make it our mission to be more than cordial as if nothing went wrong.

Before I get off topic, let me bring this around to another issue of mine—people failed commitments/promises. I’ve always hated when someone would tell me they would do something for me and then wind up not doing it in the end. Or making plans for something and people falling through at the eleventh hour. It’s become such a pet peeve that I have vowed that I would never do that to anyone, so I keep all my commitments without worry. It also has made me have little faith in people when they tell me they’ll do something. When someone says they’ll be there for me or will attend something I’m organizing, my brain automatically believes they won’t. I’ve become so accustomed to be let down that it’s a natural thing for me.

So, when planning my birthday, I had already knew no one would show up. Birthdays have been so bad for me that a month ago I actually considered not even celebrating this year even though I was going to be home for the holidays and my birthday was on a Saturday. But conversations with my favorite cousin encouraged me to change my mind. Last week, I sent out Facebook invites and texts. I didn’t have a place down, but I knew I wanted to be in Philly at some restaurant at 7PM. As the days passed, I became increasingly anxious and nervous, because I knew my birthday curse would probably appear. I can remember people not showing up for my 17th or my 20th, which is the first birthday I didn’t celebrate. And my 21st, which was the beginning of Thanksgiving not being at my house or being something special, and my mom couldn’t even gather people to celebrate my new age.

Saturday finally came and I was exciting, but I knew deep down in my stomach no one would show. I believe it’s my paranoia but some part of me has always believed I was a little psychic—I get it from my mother. She knows EVERYTHING before I do, and it kills me. She’s one of the main reasons I hate my birthday. It would be her prerogative to say, “I don’t think anyone will show up.” Why? Why would you say something like that to discourage me? Why would you be so negative? Why would you put that out there into the universe to make it true? Why are you always right? Even though I deny the same feeling in the pit of my stomach and her words, I know she’s right. I told her about it a few years ago, explaining it made me really upset. So this year around, instead of saying that she asked question that danced around that theme. “Did you call everyone? Did you tell them what time? Do they know where it is?” But I knew where she was really getting at, and I had to ignore it. Underneath those questions based on the theme I Don’t Think People Will Show is a hint of “I told you so.” That’s how I feel any time she gives me any advice. That’s not what a mother’s words should do.

I escape her fury of questions, but before I could, disappointing text messages started to arrive. “I’m sorry I can’t come; I’m going to be late; I’m at work still,” one right after the other. It was almost 7… why was I finding all this out now?

I ignore a few, throw my phone into my pocket, and head over the bridge to a nice Indian restaurant I picked out earlier that day. I wait for about 10 minutes before one of my very good friends showed up. And we sat… alone… for a very long time, before another cousin showed up about an hour late. And the three of us had a great dinner where we spoke about TV and the food and Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

Nine invites and only two show. I guess it’s a good thing I’m numb. I told my good friend before my cousin arrived that I didn’t want to complain or acknowledge my feelings, but I was upset and sad. Like why does this always happen? And then after we left and I got home I called another good friend who moved to Virginia earlier this year. He was shocked to see me home at 10:49 as he stated. I vented to him. I told him how I felt like I invested a good amount of myself into people but I never got the same in return. My aunt told me a long time ago that a relationship was not about tit for tat. And with that, I never expected anything since. But now, am I foolish for not? Is it my fault that I do so much that is out of my way even though I believe it to be civil and loving when no one will do the same? But sometimes, I feel like if I don’t do it then the small amount of compassion I have will feel dishonored. So I don’t want to completely disregard requests.

My mom likes to point out that I do so much for others (and nothing for her when she asks) and I don’t think it’s true. It could just be because I don’t like listening to her. But she’s always been that way. She never saw the good in any of my friends or anything I did (blogging, dancing, Love Shea, etc.) It’s like I have to fight for affection from the people I should be getting it from naturally.

I went to a friend’s house that was supposed to go and vented to him and his boyfriend about everyone and them for not showing. The boyfriend was in the ER and I took that as a valid exception and excused them. My friend told me that everything that I didn’t receive when I was younger is what I’m looking for in other (which is something I’ve always known) and that I placed that in myself because I believe that is how a person should be (something that was completely new to me). I am what I seek because I believe it to be ideal and I also want it in return—amazing. 

With that said, is it right for me to be seeking it in others? Am I expecting too much from people? But it was my birthday. Out of every other day in the year, can I simply ask for people to care about me on one day that is designated to my arrival on Earth? Is that too much to ask for?

Alls I know is that I’m tired. I’m tired of wishing and hoping and begging and pleading and bargaining and all that. I want to move on from this. I’m 23 now. I’m old. I’m going to be 24 in a year, and since this years are flying by I’ll be 25 then 27 then 29 and then 30. I so much more to focus on then people in my past that haven’t made my life worth much in a long time. I looking for these people to be something they’ll never be. I gotta start looking else where and leave the old behind. 

New seems exciting and inspiring. I can’t deal with all my old worries anymore.

I think that’s the end of this post.

Holidays are supposed to be times spent with family, enjoying good food and laughter, and reminiscing about the days where you were young, innocent, and ready for life to open up to you. But, for me, it’s changed.

I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t been happy—with life or myself—for a few months, but I know what other factors play a role: my family. We have never really been the friendliest, supportive, encouraging bunch, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten worse.

I can remember spending Thanksgiving at my house or my grandma’s and Christmas at one of my aunts’ homes. EVERYONE would be there—I have a very large family to the point where people had to sit in the living room or on the stairs to eat their food. But now, holidays consist of no more than 10 guests, and this year it was very segregated.

I usually get depressed around my birthday for multiple reasons I’ll explain in another post. But now that my holidays aren’t full of togetherness and love… I’m beginning to question what’s here for me back at home.

My mother and I have been arguing so much lately. And the family has become so divided that I spent Thanksgiving with my cousins. My mother slept all day. And I feel so disappointed in her that she didn’t attend or take it upon herself to have a Thanksgiving with her husband and son by cooking. I feel betrayed and unloved, which isn’t new. And then going to my cousin’s wasn’t any better because there were no uncles, or aunts, or extended cousins, and no grandma. I believe my grandma spent Thanksgiving alone. In her home. And when I thought about it late Thursday night, it hurt a little. I know we’re aren’t the most bonded, but… it should never be that bad.

And I feel like I”m struggling with this all on my own. I have no one to go to, to talk about it with, to make me feel better, to experience it with, nothing. I have to hold onto this without help, without my mom since we don’t have a friendship, without siblings because I’m an only child, without cousins because I haven’t formed a deep emotional bond with them. I’m doing this on my own. I want us to be together, but no one else does. I actually introduced the idea of inviting everyone and it was shot down. It didn’t upset me because my idea was disregarded but because it showed me how detached we’ve become.

Where did it begin, and how do we (I) end it?

Asked by Anonymous Anonymous

HEY, SO I AM A 16 YEAR OLD BOY AND I CAME OUT LAST YEAR, IN MY SOPHMORE YEAR, AND NOW I WANT A BOYFRIEND. WHEN DID YOU GET A BOYFRIEND AND HOW?

Umm… let me start by saying you shouldn’t be concerned with having a boyfriend at your age. I was, and trust me, it was so pointless when I wound up having one then another. They were… teenagers, and I say that because they weren’t at a certain level and being a gay teenage couple in the hood is difficult—almost secretive. So I stopped yearning for a companion and just decided to be friendly with boys I liked without having to give them total commitment. I know, I sound like a dog but it works. LOL! But since I’m almost 23, I’m definitely interested in having an adult relationship, but I haven’t answered your question. I found my first through a mutual friend. I basically asked my friend to hook me up and help me get into the gay scene, which was something I hated. I’m not a scene kid at all. So, I hoped that helped.

atfierce:

My horoscopes have practically been screaming at me for the past fives days. It’s like God is trying to hammer it into my head so it can finally get through to me.

July 20th

It never fully dawned on me that the something I want and the something I’m afraid of both come from the same place or are the same thing. I have very grand dreams—things I’ve been thinking about since I was fourteen. And recently, those dreams have been modified to fit my current lifestyle and situation, and I’ve been thinking about the things I want to do for this fall.

Just thinking about how awesome I want to be and successful I will be is only frightening when I think it won’t happen. I’ve built myself up in the past only to be let down drastically. I guess I’ve grown accustomed to feeling like things won’t go my way, and for that I’m afraid to pursue my aspirations—because I “know” they won’t work out and I’ll be a failure.

"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get back up." Or something like that.

But even though I’m afraid, I can honestly admit I’ve never stopped. Well, from some things. I haven’t been so consisted with my YouTube videos, all my blogs, my writings, etc. I’ve become complacent and I don’t know why.

July 21st

I remember when I was younger I would schedule myself to the quarter hour. I created this large poster that had columns with the days of the week and rows of hours. In the slots I would fill in what I was going to do at said time, later in high school, I created a larger one on a cork board (I may need to go back to using it). But I would refer to it, create list, and anything else that would help me stay on task.

Since college, complacency has made me drop my neurotic behavior. One night, I figured I’ve become complacent because I’m blessed frequently and have gotten used to it. Like God just bestows me with so much (some things I don’t even recognize) and because he’s always there to save me, I essentially don’t have to save myself.

With there being so much I have planned for the near future, I need to go back to making lists and keeping my priorities in order. I have bit off more than I can chew. I have so many things I want to do. A lot. Like, sometimes it becomes so overwhelming in my head that I prematurely give up. I stress myself out. I think about all the things I want to do, and literally say “I’ll do it tomorrow” because it’s too much.

July 22nd

That’s the biggest thing though—I don’t believe in myself enough. I don’t know when I’ve become so self-conscious. This is partly the reason I second guess myself and then I don’t write a blog post or film a video or whatever. I know I’m capable of so much.

I started reflecting onto the younger me and how I didn’t take no for an answer and did everything I wanted without fear of consequence. It’s not like I deprive myself now though. I haven’t stopped completely, but I did sort of leave my brand behind.

July 23rd

Sometimes I really just need to live for now. I think ahead a lot and for why? All that stuff will come as long as I do what I need to do now. And I can’t do everything today. I have to take it one step at a time. It’s like wanting to plant an apple tree and expecting to pick an apple and eat it the next day. That just isn’t going to happen. The seeds I’ve planted are still growing.

I don’t know when I’ve become so pessimistic, but I’m seeking to end it. It’s amazing to think about dropping everything and just starting over. All these feelings I’ve been harboring for so long can just be done and over with if I let them go and go on for here.

July 24th

Okay. Time for changes. Life is about choices and I’m choosing to do all the wrong things. I have more control over my life than I believe. I do have faith in myself. It’s there, I just may not acknowledge it all the time. And if I was doing wrong, God would have told me by now. Something would be going terribly wrong if so.

I’m going to sit down one of these days and write a complete list of the things I want to do this fall and see them all through. I’m also going to keep better schedules so I won’t lose myself along the way. And when complacency wants to come around, I’ll ignore it and act regardless.

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY